One Year Later

My journey has come so far. I was just that kid, no future, no hope of ever making it past the front door of my own house, to now, 3000 miles away with a college degree and knowledge that I can kick ass. But that has only gotten me so far. Emotions are back, deep dark ones. Family drama and abuse have begun again, even from those I thought were really family. And now I want to change everything. For what? Hope that life isn’t this nine to five death trap where one day you wake up and boom, one-way ticket down under (and I’m not talking the kind with the fury kangaroos).

So we’ve come here to Seattle. Over one year in and I would hope to be somewhere different. Eyes wide, dreams fulfilled, and pockets full of dough. Nope. Still here on my couch, just broke down crying not five minutes ago. In the darkest reaches this trip has taken me, I feel that I’ve finally started to bloodily crawl myself out of the hole. Then yesterday happens. My hand catches a loose bit of soil, and I’m back at the bottom of the chasm.

But instead of feeling defeated by it, I can still make out that light at the top.

So why am I sharing all of this? I feel that the budding generation of late 20 somethings is breaking down and hitting walls. Instead of the drones of our parent’s day, we’re alive with thoughts, feelings, and a driven passion for something else. Yet, the world hasn’t changed with us. Only a select few have gotten through and are living their dreams, but so many are still stuck dying a little inside every day. I was one of these, stuck beneath the fluorescent lights, spurred on by a generation who thought they knew what was right or wrong.

I’m not blaming them for this, but if you go back to the beginning, they were the ones that told us to believe in fairy dust and when we take it past our childhood and into the real world, they tell us we’re crazy. Still I want to turn to them and say “I believe.”  I believe that we can be something else. Strike social change, kill the social construct of the working life, and move forward with love and caring for all humanity.

I want you to know that you are not alone. Those feelings burrowing into your soul, leaving scars from their scratches, are the truth. There’s better. We can’t stick to this rut. We must break free because life isn’t just sitting here, making the bare minimum that some schmuck upstairs deems as our worth.  No!  We are human which means we are worth so much more.

This isn’t an easy change. I’m here a year later and no further along. It took me this past year to just get my mind straight. To realize that I can’t walk that line anymore. To filter and clean out my heart, letting in the love and wants that I really need. I’ve fought through the voices playing havoc in my mind. I’ve fought through the looks, the abuse of the ones I trusted most. I’ve made a stink and people run from it. But I fight because when I go down under, I want to know that I loved and lived. So let’s just keep fighting. Maybe someday together we can show the world that the point of life is living.

Love Kait